Thanks to intermittent fasting. Last time I weighed in the 170s I was in junior high. its blowing my mind.
So now my brain is working hard to get me to see other pathways to an early grave.
So last Friday I fucked up the time for my first counseling appointment in years. I was in such bad shape that the receptionist went hunting for an available provider of her own volition. Truth be told, she probably saved my life.
The counselor who took me in “wasn’t even supposed to be there” that day. She was annoyed but worked with me anyway. Because of her diligence and a serendipitous knock at her door I was able to see a new psychiatrist that same afternoon.
Turns out, the new psychiatrist was taking all the patients of my old psychiatrist, who had left a month before. He took a deep dive on Borderline and/or Bipolar with me to review my diagnosis – at my request, listened to my concerns about CPTSD & ADHD, and discussed future options with me – including new medication. I asked for the weekend to research the three medications we discussed, and he was comfortable with that.
I don’t know how my weekend would have gone without the kindness and hard work of other people. No one had to do me any favors. I am so grateful to all of these human beings. Because of them I found some hope again and I’m going to do my best to keep that little fire lit.
September 8, 2009, a.k.a. 9-8-9, is the date I quit smoking. I’d been a smoker for more than half the days of my life and I set out to reverse that trend. One of my early goals was to gain more days “under my belt” as a non-smoker so I’d tip the balance of my life in a different direction. And I did.
I quit using nicotine gums & lozenges. My strategy involved a lot of not-buying-cigarettes, too. It wasn’t particularly proactive.
My then-boyfriend, now-husband, quit at the same time. To encourage interpersonal support, we created a list of “Reasons to Quit”. Any time one of us struggled with a craving or frustration that person could ask the other, “Please tell me the ‘Reasons’ for quitting”, and the other would rattle off as many as could be remembered on the fly.
In the 10 years since quitting: I moved three times (once interstate), going from a condo to a house to an apartment to a home on the road; I got engaged and then married; I loved and lost several cats, adopted three dogs, and fostered a fourth; I was diagnosed with a list of initialisms – MDD, GAD, PTSD, etc.; I participated in ending my relationship with my mother; I nursed my father through his end-of-life journey; I renewed my relationship with my brother; I became a late-in-life marijuana user with great interest in the healing power of psychedelics; and I found new hobbies like geocaching and hibernating for very long periods.
I’m grateful to be here today, still breathing, heart beating, senses working.
As of today, September 8, 2019, these are my quit stats according to QuitNet.com:
- Life Saved: 1 Year, 6 Months (that’s two pregnancies)
- Money Saved: $23, 738 (that’s not accounting for inflation)
- Cigarettes Not Smoked: 73,040 (that many pennies weighs ~402 lbs*)
*If all pennies are post-1982 minting, at 2.5g/penny
If I have advice then it’s this: start a mindfulness practice, a journaling practice, and know your own Reasons for doing anything.
Thanks for reading.
Unhealthy, unhappy, alone, and collapsed
Operationally homeless, busted motorhome out back
Partner in a mental health facility
He went voluntarily
My brain is a fog
Overwhelmed with three dogs
Last pair of clean underwear
It’s past time to cut my hair
Don’t remember my last shower
Or sometimes the last hour
I’m empty inside
It’s why I always hide
Shame and guilt take
Everything I try to make
Letters for me
MDD, GAD, and BPD
Then there’s the family
PTSD and C-PTSD
My executive function is gone
My blood sugar’s up
Today I put CBD in my coffee cup
I’m hoping I find the way to my mat
Some Headspace would help
Andy’s voice can calm me down, stat
After I’ve prepped the space
Playing sounds of a garden oase
I can dim the lights and settle upon
My blueberry blue zafu and zabuton
I’ll take a deep breath, or ten
And in the voice of a loving friend
I’ll tell myself kindly
Wishing you and yours and happy, healthy, and fruitful 2019!
After more than: 100 approved Edits, 100 Facts Checked, and 1000 Answers, I became a Master Fact Finder in Google Maps. Doin’ stuff, yeah!